[Chronicle]: End of A Mamluk

**A Fable About Salvation and Hope**

 

-A fable is a non-truth story which are designed and plotted to deliver the writer's thoughts and feelings. It is reminded that this story does not associated whether with the living nor the dear

In the dark, I lurked. Even under the light of a scorching day, I can feel that my face was painted black. With sin. Whenever I saw my reflections in the mirror, my face somehow disfigured. My sins were countless, as many as the stars in the sky and the sands in the desert. Yet, somehow people has a respectable view of me. I started to think myself as hypocrite, as I was praised and rewarded handsomely but in reality, I am not even close of what they had described you.

Every day, the sun spit blazing saffron in my face like it was trying to vaporized me so my hypocrisy will be ended, and after that maybe God will be appeased with man. Every dawn, I woke up with a choked feeling, troubled and trembling of yesterdays sins. How I became too addicted of it, unable to break apart from its bind, and the sins is killing me slowly. Like an anaconda wrapping its sleek reptilian body to a helpless goat. A black goat, I am. I was devastated of the lessening feel of guilt as I committed the sin and started to wonder if God started to leave me. Alone. Forsaken.

Sun was scorching me high above, and the Earth was tripping me with its rocks and boulders. Its seem like every single cell in me despised me and decayed, shrinking me to an abomination. No food relieve my famish, no drink quench my thirst and no games can sate my needs.

And then, a single ray of hope enlightened my eternal darkness abyss in my heart.

I have a personal mentor, my religious teacher or commonly known as Ustazah in our community. She seemed to know everything about me, my miserable life and the dark side of me. I succumbed to her piercing yet gentle eyes and told her the truth. I thought she would pretend I did not exist after discovering the truth but no. She said, everyone has hope and salvation. Proof? Allah still give you another day after the yesterday stained full with sins. I f He hates you or abandon you, He would take your life immediately. Try to think that every breath is a chance of salvation from him.

True. But not for me.

One day, she invited me to her house. Her charming husband welcomed me warmly into their house. In that special space, I learned the serenity of peace with family which I did not have an exact definition of it. I studied quantum physics, metaphysics and other mind-boggling science to find a true meaning of  life but I found nil. At her house, I find the meaning of life in a baby girl.

How ironic is life. I studied hundreds of books  but a mere child gave me this lifetime lesson.

Surprisingly, my mentor and her husband offered me to tahnik their newborn baby. According to Islamic traditions, a newborn baby is encouraged to let their mouth smeared with sweet items such as the tamar or dried raisins or even the sacred water of Zamzam. This ritual usually done by a pious man or a prominent community symbol. And, I was not included in both categories yet the happy couple offered me to do so.

I cradled the baby in my arms and saw her eyes shone. For the first time, a living creature looked at me with pure and innocent eyes, differ from the rest of the world who see me as a parasite. My dark heart immediately streamed with warm feelings alien to me. What was this feelings? The baby's eyes flickered with hope like a mini star,  full of anticipation towards her holder. Tears might rolled down my cheeks if the ustazah did not arrived with a plate of Zamzam water.

"We ran out of dried raisins. Zamzam water should be suffice", her husband said gently.

"Go on. May your touch will make our daughter as great as you," the Ustazah said with a smile. That's not true. I might aced in my exams but I am a sinner. You were making a grave mistake. This baby might be cursed with my forsaken touch, but it was too late. Her husband took my hand, dipped my index finger into the cold Zamzam water and insert the finger into her daughter's mouth. Three times the sacred water dripped into her throat. And the baby smiled.

Spontaneously, I ran my right hand to her head and prayed silently. Ya Allah, make this baby a better person than me. Please, I beg you. Don't let my accursed hand infecter her pure feelings and she ended up a scum like me! I beg you!

Journey back home seemed like the longest in my life. i recalled the baby's parents smiles of approval and their endless streams of appreciation to me. Deep in my hear, it felt like someone dropped a heavy anvil inside my thoracic cavity, filling it with burden and responsibilities. I have to change. I must not let my viruses cursed her life. My life is gone and her life was full of hope.

20 years later.

I was walking in a bustling sideroad of a city. Our soceite has disintegrate to a concoction of shameless and sick people, making the dark alleys crammed with criminals and prostitutes. Alcoholic drinks and prostitution has been legalized as an effect of legalized gambling by our leaders since the dawn of the country. No one is safe here. Not even in the house. Televisions in electronic stores showed brutal cases from mass man-slaughter to random shooting by madman in a street full of civilians.

What the Prophet has prophecied 1400 years ago, that there will be a time when a young man kneeled by a grave saying "You are very lucky for not living in this living hell". The time has arrived.

At the sideroda, I recognized a familiar silhoutte of a women. She was wearing a tight scarlet clothing that made men stopped to admire the curves. My heart raced. I braved myself, and shouted, "Who are you? Do I know you?". The women turned back, with heavy plumes of smoke puffing from her mouth," Don't recognized me? I was the child you cursed. If it not because of you sins infected to me, I would never end up like this. But it is too late now, right? Besides, this life seemed to suit me as it suit yours". Then, she barked with laughter. I fell to my knees, hand on my ears. her banshee-like clanged in my head and the world was black.

The world materialized back and loud beeping of machines again clanged in my mind. The sickening sterile odor pierced my nose and my body were full of wires, makin me like a real-life cyborg. I was drenched in sweat. Thunders of footsteps echoed in the hospital corridor and a team of doctors and nurses entered my room. They checked my stats in the machines and tried to calm me.

I wailed loudly, "It was my fault!!God, spare her!! Let me go to hell but please spare her. I gave you my life and my soul...Pleeeaseee"My saliva oozed down to my bare chest but I did not care. I want to rip off these wires binding and choking me alive, runaway form this sick place and find the child. I must find the lovely couple and said sorry as I ruined her child with my cursed touch. The doctors responded by injecting me with a high dosed tranquilizer. The world was black again and I was bored of it.

Everything was misty. I barely heard the doctors said something like " He...don't have a chance..We..cannot..anything" Then the voice ended.

I opened my eyes, and was shocked as I am not in the deathbed anymore. I was in a white plain, some vista that resembled Jack Sparrow's exile in the Davy Jones Locker. There was nothing except white sands.

"Do you know where are we?," a familiar voice spoke. I turned back and the man was wearing a white robe. I did not know him but is face strangely familiar to me.

"We are in between the-worlds. This is the place you say the final goodbye before you going to Illiyin or Sijjin"

What is Illiyin and Sijjin.
  
"Busy with science book instead of the Quran. eh? Illiyin and Sijjin is something like list, good people write their name in Illiyin and the bad ones, in the fires of Sijjin".

So, where do I belong? Funny. I think I can guess the answer.

"Long story, lad. I also don't know this will end like this. Take a seat". And, a white chaired materialized behind me. I sat on the chair with eyes rivetted to the man.

"18 years ago, you received a phone call. From the couple. With their exasperated call saying that their daughter are somehow different from others. Which I don't think it is necessary to elaborate on that. You, a coward as you are. Fled from your homeland and settle somewhere else. Thinking you can hide from them. From me. From Him."

Cold sweat dripped from my forehead.

"But, somehow you changed. People usually prayed for money, power, heaven but your are unique. You asked for a bargain. I believe no other people prayed like that for some 500 years, after the ast of the Sufistics great teachers has died. You asked Allah to spare her. You pray more. You give more. Days and nights. Quite incredible for a sinner".

Gulp.

"But, you get this wrong. Actually, in Islam there is no curse. No suwey, bad luck or anything else created by humans. There is only you and God. If you do God, He will reward you handsomely, regardless of age, background or sins. Remember Fudhail bin Iyadh? That man was a thief boss, nasty one but one day he begged Allah for forgiveness and we erased all of his faults. Like a newborn baby".

So?

"So, the girl actually grew up fine. Your prayers for her are granted by Allah. Pure and unconditional. A true love it is. Such beauty in these dark days. You have never know about love but you have performed a great act of love. When you was diagnosed with cancer, I knew that I will come to you in your last days with my eerie costumes and nasty weapons and dragged you to pits of Sijjin". His eyes flickered.

At least she is safe.

"Yupp, full pardon for you, sir. A sinner you might be, but your spent your last days with hope to Allah that He will spare her and forgive you too. Like the Quran said, Ask and you shall be granted. Come on now, we have lots to do. Immigrations in Illiyin quite busy now as the hundreds of martyrs in Syria and Egypt arrived there daily."

I succumbed to her piercing yet gentle eyes and told her the truth. I thought she would pretend I did not exist after discovering the truth but no. She said, everyone has hope and salvation. Proof? Allah still give you another day after the yesterday stained full with sins. I f He hates you or abandon you, He would take your life immediately. Try to think that every breath is a chance of salvation from him.
   
Thank you Allah, and I will watch the girl from above.

[Chronicle]: What Is Love

*A Fable About Definition of Love*


Peace yo!

My name is..Forget it. You wouldn't want to know either. Enough picturing me as the shortest and unpopular boy in the school. Nobody know me or bother themselves to know me, and I have no girls who giggling when they walked in front of me; because they didn't realize my existence. So, I literally spend my days in a boarding school in the southern state of my country under my Invincibility Cloak which I borrowed from harry Potter..Urghh..This is my problem.

When I talked with people, I started to relate emotions with nervous systems sending impulses to the hypothalamus and constantly talked about Einstein and physics theory during eating with them. Then, everybody would rolled their eyes, threw a polite smile and left me. And, I am all alone. Again. Except it happens all the time. I am just trying to show them how I see the world, but they didn't care. All they cared is a bunch of bashful girls winking at them or winning useless gold medals in sports events.

I don't care. I can live all by myself. Without companions. Without girlfriends. Without family. I am all fine here. I think.

You see, if we see something that attracts us, our brain will secrete high dose of endorphine which will fill our body with tingling sense of excitement. Adrenaline gushed in the body, make the heart pump faster and our pupils dilate. This will lead to extreme nervous and stammering to some people. That is what I feel when I see her. Yes, her. 

Easily said, she was an angel with beautiful brown eyes. And, she is shorter than me which is good as nowadays all the girls are rocketing high. On top of the list, she is a very shyful person which is a bit like me, the most shyful lad in the school, or abandoned. Whatever. Aside from that, she loves Vochelle chocolate, love English love novels and she mended her headscarf every 5 minutes. Yes, I am very good in spying.

One day, I saw her in the corridor. It was just after the recess and the corridor are packed with people. Immediately, my heart paced like a wild horse, my palms are sweating and my legs turned jelly. I took a deep breath, lift my head and skinny chest up and walked. Out of the blue, she bumped into a group of massive boys who seem didn't mind to bump into girls and touch here and there for an instant.Idiots. And, her books and paper were scattered in the floor. People resumed their walk and I knew this was my chance. Huurah!

When I helped her, it seemed to me that time stood still, and the Soul of the World surged within me. When I looked into her actually dark brown eyes, and saw that her lips poised between a laugh and silence, I learned that all the world spoke-the language that everyone on earth was capable of understanding in their heart. It was love. Something older than humanity, more ancient than the world.

Something that exerted the same force whenever two pairs of eyes met, as had ours here at the corridor. She smiled, and that was what I was waiting.

It was school holiday. For the first time in my life, my holiday was not in the library but in my room, chatting with her. I started our conversation three times a day, precisely on 9.00 am, 2.00 pm and 10.00 pm. I would ask her anything that crossed in my mind, do you like rabbits? What is the difference between bawal and akel headscarf?

And, there were also embarrassing pickup lines I learned online. I want to impress her and show her that I too can play with words. I said to her that I want to be a thief. And she replied with "Ouh". I waited for any surprised reaction or something like that, but it was not there. So, I continued my typing with shaky hands; "So I can steal your heart". She didn't reply. I drank few mugs of coffee waiting for any reply but nope, she didn't reply. Worst pickup line ever. I was thinking to sue that web. Sigh.

Time flew and she seemed to not took interest in our conversations. It took 5 minutes for her to reply my inquiries and the replies were strangely short. I read in the Web (again) that if women did not act crazy or reply late during conversations, it clearly indicates that she did not take interest in you. But, I shrugged the facts off and pray for miracles. Maybe, what I need is a proof. Yes, a proof! A sound proof that I loved her and I will do anything for her!!

Months were spent and I starved to save money for a special gift I will give her. My grades are horrible and I flunked in my exams. I can't focus in my study as when I read History textbook, it seemed that her name appeared in every page. When I was eating, her face was in the yolk of the egg. Yupp, I was drunk in love. Confirmed.

I sent her poems of love in colourful papers. Every time we came across in the corridor, she would looked down and walked fast. I was puzzled but a friend of mine assured me that she was responding of my love call. She never replied any of my writings and again I took it as a sign of acceptance by her.

When the holidays dawned, I worked as a barista in the city. My shift was 12 hours daily, and I took no leaves. Sometimes, I would work overtime for an exhausting shift of 17 hours. By the end of the month, I collected enough money in my coffer to buy her a gold ring. My heart fluttered. I imagined her happy face, her dark brown eyes misted b tears of approval and gratitude to me. She is mine now.

She reply my invitation for a day out in the city with the usual reply, but this time with a doubt tone; "Ermm..okay?". We promised to see each other in a bench in the park. The time set was 9.00 am in the weekends.

I spent the last of my coffers by buying a designer's outfit. I never wore flashy outfits before as my family were poor, but I wanted to look the best in this day. I walked with confidence into my destination of happiness.

I took a bus to the city, and headed to the only exclusive florist in the city. They can make plastics engraving of your lover's name plus a bouquet of fresh flowers, you know. It cost me a leg but I know, love is a sacrifice. Then, I resumed my journey by walking in the bustling street of the city.

I was walking in a lonely alley, as a shortcut when I saw a dirty figure by the large garbage container. I walked faster as whatever the figure was, I don't know and I don't want to know. But, I accidentally kicked a can and the whole lonely alley echoed with the noise. The figure moved and a snot covered women lifted her head. Her condition was pathetic and her eyes were dreadfully red due to tears. I gulped and quickened my pace. Just when I was about to pass her, she extended a dirty hand and grabbed me by the belt. I was jolted by the touch and retaliate spontaneously by shoving the hand away with force. The women fall back to the ground. She weeped.


"Do you see my boy? My sad little boy? Her daddy was short of money to buy cracks and took him away from me? Do you see him? Do you SEE HIM?"

She jumped again towards me trying to grab me by the necktie, but her dirty hands stained my new shirt instead. I yelped in annoyance.

"No one know about your son, crazy lady! I don;t give a damn about you forsaken family and the drug addict husband of yours!!". I cursed and left the place immediately. I peeked to my watch and time is slipping away. I might be late. I ran to the park. I don't care about my dirty and wet shirt. All I cared is her. If this feeling of us is true, then she would still accept me.

But, when I reached the park ontime, she was there. But with someone else. With a rugby player who bumped into her in the corridor. No, it can't be. I was the one who helped her and that jerk is the one who caused difficulties to her My vision was shrouded with tears and the sky is crying with me too. The rugby player looked into the sky and smiled triumphantly. He bought a small sized umbrella in the nearby vendor and offered her company. What's more, he extended his massive arms and wrapped around her body as to shield her from the heavy rain. And, their eyes met. Like any Korean dramas, they froze and gazing to each other eyes for a long time. Longer than me gazing into her eyes. It is over. My life is over.

I was at the rooftop of a building, weeping for my fate. I sacrificed everything, my time, my grades and my pride. And, it was all for nothing!!! I punched the hard cement floor until my palms cracked open and the pool of water turns read. It was raining cats and dog and I was thinking to end my life. All this time, I fough for love. Now, it was gone. So did my life.

"What are you doing?". A hoarse voice hooted from  my back.

"If you are another damned homeless seeking to spoil my day, please leave!!"

"You are not thinking to end your life, isn't it?"

I was driven by rage and turned. I will kill this guy! I charged to him, but with a single movement, he grabbed my chin and my body froze. His electric blue eyes scanned my sorry face..

'So young. But, already spoiled by so-called love. You are weak and young, you did not anything about love, boy". And he released his grip. All hell broke loose and I fall to my knees.

"What is love, boy? Hmm?". I don't care.

"You should know. Or else, you will be spending your life to be turned down like this".

"Then what should I do! I give everything to her!! And, she just walked away!!"

"That is not love boy. That is obsession. You follow blindly and close all your senses to it. Your "love" now evolved into obsession and no one liked an obsessed cum psychotic man"

I weep.

"Don't weep like a girl. If you want to know the true meaning of love, you should find it at "the damned homeless". That is the purest form of love. A pure love clean from sensual feelings and innecessary sacrifices. A love from a mother to her child require no cost and that is true love. Tell me how much you lose in winning this girl's heart?"

"Feelings that binded by worth of faces and gold are obselete. When you were old and wrinkled, that feelings will just faded away. When the economics failed, and you are now a beggar she would walked away from you." Now, I lifted my face to see him.

He has a very majestic beard, snowy white in colour. His piercing electric blue eyes were very ancient. He dressed in robes like the old philsophers and sages of ancient times.

"True love did not need conditions. You love somebody not on the condition she must love you back".

That sounds familiar.

He barked in laughter. "Sounds familiar, eh. I quoted it from Mohabbatein. Such a splendid movie it is, put aside the dancing and kissing part."

"Now, you must rise. Soon or later, love will come. But, life must move on.". He winked and walked away.

"Sir, what is your name?" I said.

"My name? I already forgotten my true name. But, people called me Mamluk Aiedail. Aidil Shah al-Ajami, the Morning Star."

I was stunned. Then, he walked ut of sight. I felt like I just awake from a long slumber. My encounter with that mysterious mind was boggling, as my pseudonym is, Mamluk Qayser.

My life has just started. I felt like an adventure is coming and I will met this guy again.